AGGRAVATION & IRRITATION

Two men were talking. One of them wanted to know the diffrence 
between 'aggravation' and 'irritation'. The other one said,
"Hand me the phone book. I'll show you the difference".
       
He called a number and a woman answered " hello," he said "I'd 
like to speak to Joe." The woman replied sweetly, "I'm sorry,
but you have the wrong number."
 
The caller apologized and hung up. He wait a minute and then 
redialed the woman's number. "I'd like to speak to Joe." he said 
when the woman answered, "you must be the same gentleman who 
called before." She said, "I'm sorry,but you have dialed the 
wrong number again."
 
He apologized once more. A minute later, he dialed the same 
number. "Let me talk to Joe" he said. The women was by now 
obviously angry, "I've told you twice that there is no Joe 
living here! Don't bother me again!" With that, she slammed 
down the phone.
 
The man turned to his friend and said "That's irritation.
Now I'll show you what aggravation is." He dialed the number 
again. When the women answered, he said, "This is Joe, did 
anybody call me?"

		  ARKANSAS JOKE

Passed along by Mel who lives in Arkansas.
This is a true story. 

My family were all together recently, just hanging around 
at Mom and Dad's. My sister was browsing through an almanac 
and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in 
the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that 
a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"

My bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, 
"So, how come yours don't?"

My father, from behind his newspaper and without even 
a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

                    JOKE 4 MOTHERS

Four mothers got together and were discussing their sons.
"Our family has a Royal blood." said the first proud woman. 
"When my son enters a room, people look at him and say, 
'Oh, Your Highness'"
     
The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters 
a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Excellency'"
      
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he 
enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Eminence'"

The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is short, 
weighs 185 kilos, and bald," she said, "When he enters a room, 
people look at him and say, 'Oh My God !'"

			SALESMAN

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in 
his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and 
before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and 
dumps horseshit all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this 
vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, 
I'll eat every chunk of it." She says, "You want tomato
sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the 
electricity turned on yet."

		TAIWANESE BUSINESSMAN

The president of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take 
a vacation/business trip.  Since the president has heard 
about how fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices 
there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his 
secretary. After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives 
an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in 
Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan 
account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the 
president decides to meet personally with the man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the 
Taiwanese business at a really expensive restaurant. 
Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the 
subject of opening the accounts for the Taiwanese businessman.  
However, the prospective client only seems to be interested 
in the president's secretary. After the dinner, the 
businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the 
evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to 
offend the prospective client, the president orders his 
secretary to spend some time with the man. He tells her that 
she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to 
insult the man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman 
takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her 
straight in the eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, 
he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken a back. However, she 
remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy 
outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the 
businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few 
minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you 
under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to 
be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat 
diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head 
and says "No problem!!  I buy.  I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman 
says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion 
in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in 
the middle of the best wine country in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, 
calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers 
in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, 
"Okay, okay.  I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary 
knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her 
time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work 
condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, 
rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man, 
I marry to have a 12-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his 
hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, 
he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what 
seemed like forever, the man nods his head, looking real 
sad, says to the woman, "I cut. I cut."

		THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA
  (must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down 
to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. 
She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She 
say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to 
piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, 
you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call 
me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella 
her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her 
you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you 
better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even 
know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. So I go back to 
my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the 
manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. 
I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you 
better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know 
the man and he call me sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and 
the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, 
you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

           ACTUAL PHONE ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll 
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as 
we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone 
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya 
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right.. 
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing 
our teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why 
we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent 
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you 
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough 
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are 
a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:)  There Dale sits, reading a magazine. 
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into 
a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle 
of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make 
it in time?  Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell 
hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain 
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used 
by us.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. 
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

			CHINESE NAME

While visiting San Francisco, a tourist is walking through 
ChinaTown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, 
the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the 
buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking.

He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Sven Olafsen's
Laundry". "Sven Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does 
that fit in here?". So, he walks into the shop and sees an old 
Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, 
"How in the world did this place get a name like Sven Olaffsen's 
Laundry?".

The old man answers "Is name of owner." The visitor asks 
"Who's the owner?". "I am he", answers the old man. "You? 
How did you ever get a name like Sven Olaffsen?"

The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, 
I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of 
me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go "What your name? 
He say Sven Olaffsen." She look at me..."What your name? 
I say Sam Ting (Same thing)."

			GREAT FATHERS

Three boys are in the school yard bragging of how great their 
fathers are.

The first one says "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can 
shoot an arrow and starts to run. I tell you, he gets there 
before the arrow." 

The second boy says "Ha! You think that's fast. My father is a 
hunter. He can shoot his gun and gets there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the first two and shakes his head. 
He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a 
civil servant. He stops work at 5pm and he is home by 4:15pm" 

			FUNERAL

A man, sick of her nagging wife, was wandering the streets 
when he came upon a strange funeral procession. A man with a 
large dog on a leash was walking behind the hearse, and 
following silently behind him were hundreds of people, mostly 
man. The man, unable to contain his curiosity any longer, 
approached the man with the dog and asked who had died. 
"My wife", the man replied. "She must have been popular to 
have so many mourners. How did she die? "My dog bit her"
The man suddenly had an idea. "I'II pay you 2 hundred dollars 
for that dog", he said to the mourning husband, hesitating 
slightly. "Please join the queue", came the reply, "the 
bidding starts right after the funeral."

                      DOCTOR'S JOKES

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough  
examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and 
bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient : Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor  : You have cancer, I estimate that you have about 
          two years left. 
Patient : OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will 
          be over! What kind of good news could you probably 
          tell me, after this???
Doctor  : You also have Alzheimer's(amnesia). In about three 
          months you are going to forget everything I told you.
     
                          *************

Patient : Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot 
          of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor  : Tell me about your problem.
Patient : I just did, didn't i, you stupid bastard!!!!!
     
                          *************
 
Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient : Doctor, people ignore me. 
Doctor  : Next!
     
                          *************

Patient : Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will 
          I live longer? 
Doctor  : Not really. It will just seem longer.
     
                          *************
       
Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor.
Doctor  : Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient : I wanna second opinion.
Doctor  : Okay, you're ugly, too.
     
                          *************

John    : How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? 
Doctor  : I cut your head off.
     
                          *************

Liz     : I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! 
Doctor  : Never mind, you'll pass eventually.
Liz     : But I'm the examiner!
     
                          *************

Patient : Doctor, I think I need glasses. 
Teller  : You certainly do. This is a bank.
                   
                          *************
 
Doctor  : Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones 
          in the human body? 
Tom     : Shhh, doctor!  My dog's outside in the waiting room!
     
                          *************

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, 
"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult 
you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that 
I had mentioned you in my will."  "That is very kind of you," 
said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that 
prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change.     
     
                          *************

"Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table 
you've ruined this month!"
     
                          *************
     
A  pipe  burst  in a doctor's house. He called a plumber.  
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious 
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill 
for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't 
even make that much as a doctor!."  The plumber waited for him 
to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
     
                          *************

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, 
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!". "Is this 
her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you *idiot*!" the man 
shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
     
                          *************

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. 
The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a 
duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots  
at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies 
overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through  
the pages of a bird  manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green  wings, 
yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck."  He raises  
his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird 
flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without 
looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and 
says, "Go see if that was a duck."     
     
                          *************

After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to  
help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who 
announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first  
aid and I'm trained in CPR." The woman watched his procedures 
for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.  
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she 
said, "I'm already here."     

 
			INDIA IS GREAT
     
Sometime in the late 80's there was this international 
conference on Communication.
     
As usual there was some arguments on who is great:
     
French  : In france, we dug dug dug, found a Aluminium wire, 
so old days itself we had communication through aluminium 
wires. So France is great
     
Russian : In russia, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug found 
copper wire, so old days itself we had communication through 
copper wires. So Russia is great
     
Englishman : In Britian, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug and 
dug dug dug found Brass wire, so old days itself we had 
communication through brass wires. So Britain is great.
     
American : In US, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug and dug dug 
found Gold (trying to gain some weight-age)wire, so old days 
itself we had communication through gold wires. 
So America is great.
     
Indian : In Great India, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug and 
dug dug dug and dug dug dug but found no wire. So in good old 
days itself we had wireless communication. So India is great. 
Every-one nodded with him.

			ZOO
 
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempt 
to earn some money as a street preformer. As soon as he 
starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags 
him into his office.
     
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most 
popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the 
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. 
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until 
they can get another one. The mime accepts.
     
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and 
enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's 
a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun 
of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a 
mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he 
tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that 
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the 
cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his 
audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across 
a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. 
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
     
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the 
mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
     
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting 
the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps 
going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over 
the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is 
terrified.
     
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime 
is so scared that he begins to run round and round the 
cage with the lion close behind.
     
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, 
"Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. 
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up 
at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you 
idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

     
			GOT A MATCH?

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and 
they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. 
They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with 
them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second 
guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred 
cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's 
cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright 
now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his 
wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the 
greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so 
close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his 
pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"     

     
			ANSWER IRON

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged 
up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, 
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and 
(hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." 
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what 
happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had 
to call the doctor!"

			DEAD RABBIT

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with
the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead 
and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to 
hate him forever, so he  takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit 
into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and 
puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, 
hoping they will think it died of natural causes.  
    
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around 
and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor 
replies, "We just found him  dead in his cage one day, but 
the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went 
outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put 
him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people 
out there!"

			TRAFFIC VIOLATION

A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 
30 minutes now, when they finally decide to pull it over.  
The officer steps out and walks up to the driver's window.

"Good afternoon sir"
 
"Good afternoon, any problems ?"
 
"No sir. My partner and I have been following and observing 
you for a half an hour now. We ascertained that you have not 
committed one single traffic violation, you have not gone 
over the speed limit by even 1 mph, you were courteous 
towards the fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as a part 
of our new "solid driving awareness program" I would
like to present you with this check for $30,000.00."
 
The driver lets out a big sigh of relief:
 
"Oh good !  Now I can finally pay to get my driver's 
license. (Ooops!)"
 
Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger 
seat goes: "Don't listen to him, officer, he always talks 
nonsense when he has been drinking."
 
Grandma who's a little hard of hearing adds from the backseat:
"Aye aye aye, didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car? "
 
At this time the trunk pops open and a head peeks out:
"Are we over the border yet?"

			 CAR COLLISION
 
Two cars collide and their drivers are thrown from their cars.
One guy is a business executive and the other is a priest.
 
    The priest yells over,"Are u ok?"
    The executive answers,"Ya!"
 
The priest pulls a whiskey bottle out of his pocket and offers
it to the other guy. The executive takes it and jugs about 
half of it down. When he hands it back to the priest he says,
"Aren't you going to have any?" The priest says,"Nah, I'll wait 
till after the police report!"

		A PHONE CALL

A lawyer is trying to call his clients. 
The phone rings and their little boy, in 
a whisper, says, "Hello."
     
Lawyer:  "Is your mommy there?"
Boy   :  (whisper) "Yes."
     
Lawyer:  "Can I speak with her?"
Boy   :  (whisper) "She's busy."
     
Lawyer:  "Is your daddy there?"
Boy   :  (whisper) "Yes."
     
Lawyer:  "Can I speak with him?"
Boy   :  (whisper) "He's busy."
     
Lawyer:  "Is there anyone else there?"
Boy   :  (whisper) "The fire department."
     
Lawyer:  "Can I talk to one of them?"
Boy   :  whisper) "They're busy."
     
Lawyer:  "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
Boy   :  (whisper) "The police department."
     
Lawyer:  "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
Boy   :  (whisper) "They're busy."
     
Lawyer:  "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, 
         the fire department AND the police department are 
         ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy.  
         WHAT are they doing?"
Boy   :  (whisper) "They're looking for me."

		HORNY SUPERMAN

Superman was flying along one day feeling very horny. 
He came across Batman so he decided to ask Batman, 
"Hey Batman, I'm feeling horny. Do you know anyone I can fuck?" 
Batman told Superman, "Wonderwoman. She's the best." 
Superman responded, "No, I can't do that. She's a friend and 
it might ruin our relationship." 

So Superman was flying along again when he came across Spiderman. 
He said, "Hey Spiderman, I'm really horny. Do you know where 
I can get a fuck?" Spiderman said, "Wonderwoman, she's the best!" 
Superman said, "No I can't do that to her. Thanks anyway." 

He flew off again and came across Captain America. 
He said, "Captain America, you're the man. I am feeling SO horny, 
do you know where I can get laid?" Captain America replied, 
"Wonderwoman, she is the best fuck in Superhero Land." 
Superman said, "Wow, I never knew that Wonderwoman fucked 
so many people. Still I can't do that to her." 

While flying again, he saw Wonderwoman in the middle of a field, 
totally naked, and with her legs spread up in the air. He thought 
to himself, I'm faster than the speed of light, I'll be in and 
out before she even knows it. So, overcome with horniness, he flew 
down, fucked, and flew away feeling totally satisfied. 
Meanwhile, in the field, Wonderwoman said, "What was that?!?" 
The Invisible man said, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts." 

              YESTERDAY

Yesterday,
all my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.

Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.

I can cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come tomorrow morn, I'll get on
my knees and pray...

Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.

What I have to show
I don't know,
the prof won't say.
I'll spell
something wrong, or I'll bomb..
.... there goes my "A"...

Yesterday.
Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
oh, how I long for Yesterday.